Heal First!

Often times, when a woman goes through a devastating breakup (be it relationship or divorce), the first thing she does is looks for a rebound; someone she can use to fill the void that was caused by the breakup. If the breakup was public, there's a greater urge to find someone to prove to the world that she is worthy of love and has found a man who wants to be with her.

This is one of the most dangerous things a person can do. Make no mistake, men do it too... they'll find someone to "smash" to stroke their ego, without regard to the woman's feelings. For a woman however, in most cases she's looking for more. She's looking for a replacement; she's looking for longevity; mostly, she's looking for redemption of her name, heart and livelihood.

I've been there. Now, years after a bad breakup, I know people who've watched me go through hell and what seems like bad luck in relationships, who now hold their breath in hopes that one day, some day I will finally find love and have a man sweep me off my feet, so that "God will get the glory from my testimony."

Who says God didn't the glory out of my testimony already?

I get it. Any woman who goes through a devastating situation in a relationship or marriage deserves to be loved again- correctly. She deserves a do over. However, do we realize that this mindset perpetuates the "night in shining armor" narrative and completely skips over the most important part- healing?

After my very devastating, very embarrassing and very public breakup, I had no desire to find (or be found by) a man. I remember someone telling me that they stood up for me telling a group of other women that "there was nothing wrong with me" (regarding the reason for the breakup). I listened to her thinking how she didn't realize she was letting me know that there were actually groups of women sitting around dinner tables, restaurants, girls trips, etc., discussing what happened to me. I had another person years later just flat out ask "what's wrong with you? Why are you still single?" and proceeded to tell me that they never went 3 days of being single without having another man.

Yes, those conversation really happened.

I didn't let the rumors and opinions of others get to my head. My #1 objective was to heal first. I needed answers, I needed to get rid of my anger and rage and I needed to be healed and once I was healed, it was time to live.

My healing allowed me to settle into singleness. Not be complacent, but settled. Knowing I wasn't a fraction of a person. Knowing that being in a relationship doesn't gives you strength, but being able to be single in a world that is infatuated with relationships is what makes you strong. 

I offer this advice to you: Heal. You can't be anything to anyone if you're not everything to yourself. Get to know you again. Take note of the things you will not tolerate in your future relationship, and don't forget about the mistakes you may have made. Do it for yourself, but especially for your future.