Church Announcement from A Single Pastor
In early May, there was a Pastor who went viral for a message he delivered to his congregation, particularly the women. The main message from the Pastor basically said if there were any women who was at the church under the impression that they are his wife, they needed to leave the church (paraphrasing). Initially, I saw the clip posted on Facebook and thanks to the good old algorithm, it popped up in my Instagram feed. I watched the clip twice and then did as most of us do- headed to the comments section.
As expected, the comments section was HOT. From my quick scroll, the comments mostly came from women and there were mixed reactions. Some reactions were harsh and filled with attacks about the Pastor’s looks. It appeared based on the commentary, a lot of women didn’t understand why this Pastor would think so highly of himself, assuming that there were women who would give him the time of day. Other women couldn’t fathom going to such extreme lengths to get his attention.
But there’s an even bigger issue here, and it has nothing to do with the Pastor who made those comments…
In the church at large, there are many women suffering from loneliness. In the same vein, there is an irresponsible expectation of single women, a limited view of marriage and a silence around what singleness really is and what it should look like. There has been more conversations surrounding singleness in recent years, but not nearly as many as there should be, and only a limited (and I mean limited) number of outlets that really speak to the heart of singleness. It’s either do the work of the Lord, immerse yourself fully in the church or otherwise, your priorities aren’t in order. The mere mention of desiring a relationship and marriage makes you desperate and clearly shows you aren’t focused on the things of God…
STOP!
The lack of transparency and community created for safe spaces to have real (and sometimes difficult) conversations about singleness, results in women who have real issues that need to be sorted through. Singleness is more than just telling a single person- particularly women to, “wait on Boaz” or “keep your legs closed” or “have your heart so buried in God that he has to find God to get to you.” All of these clichés and popular sayings do not speak to the women who have a legitimate mental health issue surrounding loneliness, and an unhealthy and dangerous desire to be married.
There’s a very well-known Pastor (who I will not mention) who has publicly shared that there was a woman who actually packed her belongings and moved to the city he lived in, noting that the Lord told her that this said Pastor was her husband. I myself, have witnessed the ugliness and toxic behavior of women all because of the desire for relationship and marriage. Not to the degree of a person relocating, but I’ve witnessed salacious behavior all in the name of a man. So, to go back to the question a few women posed in the comment section of that post- why do women heavily get caught up in unhealthy desires for marriage?
Power. There’s power in politics, music, sports, and church is no different. The deception of the pulpit often looking like a pedestal makes people think the Pastor (or any man in spiritual authority) is seated higher- and while clergy does sit in an authoritative seat, Pastors- REAL Pastors are servants. Jesus said in Matthew 20:26 whoever wants to become great (or a leader) must be a servant. Also, the illusion of people flocking to said Pastor or preacher gives off a sense of worship to that authoritative figure- but again, Jesus said in John 12:32, if He be lifted up, He would draw all men unto Him. It is about leading the people to Christ, but subconsciously, some women mistaken that power to be about them. Pastors are shepherds, but in the grand scheme of things, they are conduits who lead people to God.
The “Couples Goals” Trope. More and more in the Kingdom of God, we are seeing couples serving together in ministry. For many, serving in ministry provides a sense of identity and in the day and age we live in, there is no greater identity than that with regard to relationships. Being a “power couple” brings a sense of validation for a few reasons, 1. A woman takes great pride in the fact that a man asks her to carry his last name 2. The validation will become her identity if she didn’t have her own identity during her singleness. Note: there is nothing wrong with taking on the identity of a wife- it’s what a woman should do. The problem comes when you seek fulfilling a goal or becoming the goal, more than you seek an actual successful marriage.
Plain ‘ole Desperation. There’s a big difference between desperation and desire. Psalm 37:4 says to delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. However, if your desires get out of hand, it can turn into desperation without you realizing it. Having a healthy desire for marriage is normal. Having an unhealthy desperation for it is not. God will not tell a person (be it a man or woman) that someone is their spouse, without alerting that person as well- He is not the author of confusion. As women, we must cultivate a healthy desire for marriage and obtain principles about singleness that will prepare us for that next step. Desperation unchecked can become extremely dangerous.
I do not fault the Pastor that went viral for exposing the things that have been taking place. It was admirable of him to call it out to not only cover himself, but put a halt to what could’ve become a stalker situation if it hasn’t become that already. The church must begin to have critical conversations about the nuances of singleness and how to navigate that phase of life. Single women also need a community of strong women who will keep each other accountable as they journey through this thing called singleness, and if a step towards therapy needs to be taken, then so be it. We need hearts that are healed before they can love because a healed heart will never be able to love or see love properly.